Before We Talk About Peaceful Parenting...

It’s the very good news that parents don't have to use punishments, consequences, or other punitive parenting methods to raise happy, successful, and emotionally intelligent children. In fact, we’re finding the old, punitive model of parenting to have the opposite effect. Traditional parenting, and even the gold-standard of traditional parenting, authoritative parenting, cause emotional harm.

Despite our best intentions, when we really think about it, the idea that we need to teach children to comply with any externally focused authority to make decisions, we aren’t giving them the tools they need to thrive in modern times. 

So before we talk about what peaceful parenting is… let’s talk about what it is NOT:

Peaceful parenting is NOT permissive parenting. 

I think maybe in all caps:

PEACEFUL PARENTING IS NOT PERMISSIVE PARENTING. 

Ok, I feel better now. 

In many ways, peaceful parenting is harder than traditional parenting. Because we aren’t instilling fear to create compliance. We are patient. We are kind. And… we PARENT. 

What is Peaceful Parenting?

Peaceful parenting means that we get to do the work of discovering our own emotional regulation, fostering effective communication and understanding our own wants and needs so that we become the model for our children to do the same.

Peaceful parenting requires us to determine our family values, and teach them to our children so that they have a compass of morality to guide their decisions through life. 

This takes commitment and practice. It takes presence. 

There’s a widely held misconception that if we aren’t punishing our children, or yelling at them, or if G-d forbid, they have a meltdown at the family reunion, then we must be being too permissive in our parenting, and we are going to end up with spoiled, manipulative children who aren’t prepared for the “real world.”

Peaceful parenting is still, very much, parenting. It is not an abdication of our responsibility. It is a deepening of our responsibility. 

It is the modeling and practice of being the kind of person that you hope for your child to be when they grow up.

[Case in point: How many times have you yelled at your kids to stop yelling? Or maybe you're super duper evolved and righteous-y like me and you tell yourself you don’t do that… but really… you do. I sure do. In some way, we all exhibit hypocrisy as parents.] 

Peaceful parenting includes rules, limits and boundaries. It honors family values and priorities. Peaceful parents get to say no. 

Boiling the shift down to its simplest terms, with Peaceful Parenting, we are replacing yelling, punishments, threats and consequences with communication. Communication doesn’t hurt kids. Authentic feelings expressed healthily do not hurt kids. 

We do not become less effective parents by embracing peaceful parenting! 

Quite the opposite. We claim full responsibility for our actions, words and deeds. We grow ourselves up so that we can grow our kids up. We immerse ourselves in their world, their needs, and their evolution. We are their partner in growth and maturing. (And, um, also… they are our partners in our growth and maturing.)

The ironic truth is that it’s the very parenting practices that well-meaning strangers tell us we need to do to get our kids “under control” that often cause the misbehavior, rebellion, lack of respect and entitlement that is so pervasive in our culture. 

The bigger truth to acknowledge is that when we scold, criticize, punish, or demean our kids they don’t love us less. 

They love themselves less. 

And grown ups who don’t love themselves are doing an awful lot of harm to our world. 

As you explore how to bring more and more peaceful connection, communication and cooperation into your home, I ask that you simply keep an open mind, and maintain a willingness to question your own experience, thoughts and actions (with grace, no self-flagellation required).

It is worth it.

Because children who are raised in a peaceful environment are not spoiled, entitled, lazy, ungrateful or any of those scary things we fear they might become. They are extraordinary. Not because they are better, smarter or more capable than anyone else. 

But because they were given this gift… the gift of the real and rare experience of unconditional love and radical acceptance by the person they love and admire the most… YOU. 

If you feel called to bring peaceful parenting into your home, explore what we have to offer you and your family with our Parent Coach Certification Program.

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Co-Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.