“Study the past if you would define the future. ― Confucius”

We have an important question for you.

How much do you believe you are a “product of your past?”

This is a tough question. 

We all like to think we are independent of our past – that we have created our current-day reality. However, having studied both psychology and the concept of conscious parenting for years, we at the Jai Institute have discovered that many of our beliefs (and actions) are products of unconscious patterns.

Today, we want to explore the answer to the question “How your childhood affects your parenting” or “To what extent your individual parenting styles are influenced by the past.” And more importantly, we’re going to look at exactly why every parent should examine and reflect on their past in order to be the best possible version of themselves for their children.

Spanking Is the Perfect Example

To understand how childhood affects parenting, spanking is the perfect example. It reminds us of how we were raised, of how we were disciplined as children, and ultimately has us thinking about what kind of parents we’ve become.

We were reminded of this when we saw the reaction to our recent article “When Is Spanking Acceptable?”, which explored whether or not spanking is an appropriate method of disciplining your child. The outpouring of comments and thoughts from all of you (by the way, a BIG thank you all for being so engaged – we literally had hundreds of comments!) really got us thinking about how our past affects us as parents.

Why You Should Study Your Past

Whether we like it or not, our past – left unaddressed – will continue to haunt us in the present. Parenting is not only influenced by our early childhood but also the experiences we had in youth and adulthood. So many factors influence the way parents approach their interactions with their children and when there are two parents, there are double the influences at play. Beyond past influences, parents’ individual ideas, thoughts and philosophies naturally impact their parenting styles.

The influence of parents' behavior on child development and how your childhood ultimately affects your parenting varies greatly depending on individual experiences. For example, how childhood trauma affects parenting may be much more impactful than natural variations in things like how you spent your leisure time or philosophies on bedtime etc. Parents tend to recreate special experiences with their children that they had with their parents. If there’s an activity you really enjoyed as a child, it’s likely you will seek to recreate some of those experiences with your kids.

On the other hand, if a parent has negative memories about their childhood, they may be inclined to avoid recreating the same experiences for their children. If a mother was raised in an overly strict environment, she may want to bring up her own children in a much more lenient manner. Your parenting style – be it discipline, extracurricular activities, showing affection for your children, dietary habits, values, or any other aspect – is naturally influenced by your own childhood experiences, for better or for worse.

To recognize how your childhood might be affecting your parenting, reflect on your answers to the following questions:

• What negative or positive experiences did you have as a child that stand out in your memories?
• Which experiences would you like to recreate with your own children?
• Which ones stand out as experiences you would like to avoid?
• Did you experience impactful or traumatic events, like abuse, divorce, separation, parental substance abuse, lack of funds to pursue education, or behavior that undermined your identity, abilities, dreams or desires?
• What were the values your parents instilled in you?

This Psychology Today article covers the 7 ways that childhood adversity changes the brain.

According to the article, one of the findings shows that if a child’s developing brain is chronically stressed it can lead the hippocampus to shrink. As a consequence, adults who have faced these situations as children tend to overreact even to minor stressors.

It seems only logical, therefore, that if adult behavior can be shaped by stress and abuse during childhood, then adult behavior can also be shaped by behaviors witnessed as a child.

However this does NOT mean that what type of person–or parent–you are today is “set in stone” by patterns or triggers seeded early in your own childhood.

It is possible to consciously change those patterns so you can free yourself from the negativity of the past and emerge a better, happier person and a more loving parent.

What Is Conscious Parenting?

Let us explain the concept of conscious parenting...

Our belief here at the Jai Institute is that by the time you are an adult and have children, your brain has already been set up to respond to certain situations and stressors in certain ways.

When you’re in a stressful situation, maybe you stay very calm and quiet, hiding your feelings. Or conversely, you get blinded by panic and turn around in circles.

When you are required to be authoritative, maybe you step into that challenge naturally. Or you shy away, worried that you might be perceived to be too strong-willed.

Wherever you are on the continuum, one thing is crystal clear. From a very early age, your brain has been programmed to react a very certain way to particular settings or situations.

But here’s the good news: just because your neural pathways are all set up doesn’t mean they necessarily have to define your future behaviors.

When it comes to parenting, at the Jai Institute we consider our go-to (or default) behavior as “unconscious parenting.” These are a set of beliefs and actions you take as a parent. They come naturally to you and you have no control over them.

In our program, we show you how to transform those unconscious actions by shining a spotlight on them– becoming conscious about them. Conscious parenting is the process of becoming aware of what your reactions are in order to make a conscious choice to change them.

We call ourselves “brain sculptors” (a term borrowed from the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting). Think of your neural pathways as a track you follow when you’re skiing. Our job is to deviate those tracks to new, friendly, and positive terrain.

Excited to learn more? Check out our coaching program where you’ll not only be able to learn more about conscious parenting, but you’ll also have a chance to earn serious money from teaching other parents to do the same.